Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 12:06 AM
Tell me oh Lord what am i to do, with a mother who just cares about how i spend my own cash that i earn, telling me "oh how stupid it is to spend your hard earn cash on driving" and a unsporting sister, whose sole aim in life is to just go for the material wants of the world, telling my mum "oh he's always stupidly spending his time in church wasting his life away", tell me Lord wat am i to do.
Is it my fault, that I've seen how useless money really is, and that i rather be broke and happy, spending my hard earn money on a skill that will last me a lifetime, in this case, driving, oh is it my fault that i find serving the Lord in church crucial for my walk with God, and that each moment spent there allows Him to use me for the benefit of others?
Right now frankly speaking, i feel as if I'm so useless, can't even make anyone in my family happy, just because i want to do things that i see reaps a better investment in life, and in society, for this matter in church? Why do i feel its my fault, and that everything that i choose is always wrong, no matter how right it actually is, and frankly speaking its been happening day in and out for a great deal of time now, and i dunno how long more i can go on, eluding these demoralizations. On top of that its from my family, the people who are meant to be the closest to me, suppose to kinda guide me in life, telling me whats right and whats wrong. So am i being stubborn? Am i being a spoilt kid wasting my life away? I dunno, i can't define wats meant to be right and wats meant to be wrong anymore, i agree its shit,and frustrating, i admit i'm a useless kid k, never was able to produce any great results in life, i'm sorry, i'm only human, i'm imperfect.
So to my mum i know you'll never ever see this entry, so i'll say this out, yes i'm a stupid useless kid who in your eyes will never suceed in life, and to my sis, if you do stumble upon this entry, woe is you who defines serving the Lord as a waste of time, for you know the Lord and His doings, and His want for people to serve Him, so i guess may the Lord have mercy on you.
iknow i sound very hypocritical saying all these, kinda pssing judgement on my sis, but yea do you see what i go through? Only if you took a step back and see what i go through, see how your own words impact on me.... how selfish the human mind is, the more i detest being human.......i know i ain't a saint, but sometimes it takes a sinner to help another realise his own sins....
i just wanna give up, stay at home and remain quiet, and not talk.....ignorance is bliss, only when you're blessed with ignorance, other han that you suffer in the pure silence of pretend ignorance, fighting the contradicting thoughts within your mind.................. yes, dean's life is real screwed up, i admit, and its sad, so stop torturing dean, so he won't need to resort to being a joker all the time to hide whats truly buring deep inside......
